DOUCHING OR NO DOUCHING…that is the question……

A week ago  we had an interesting topic here about vjay douching...its an old topic that we can’t seem to get enough of. Trolls keep asking  about the instructions to use the Chinese dried fruit and medlemon …a question that grits @Lufuno’s beautiful firm tits.

 I had a conversation with my colleagues about this. Then 2 other ladies who works next door to us joined. This is lunch time and we are relaxing, sitting outside, holding our Rama and Rum & Raisin ice cream skhaftinis eating under the shade. The first on the podium  was aunty  Dokey who told us vjay douching  is common back home in Zims… (even the moons there have a special, powerful mixture…which unfortunately she doesn't have full details of…but I gave her an assignment  to go find out and come back to share).   I was never ready for ! All I can say is, move out wena medlemon, you have stiff competition dade!

From the  Matabeleland, I bring you ‘’the gauze’’. Yes, a simple gauze from your First Aid box. Don’t underestimate it. You roll it (like rolling a cigarette) and put it down there, leaving enough outside so that its easy to pull out. You leave it for 15-45 minutes. It also helps cleans the vjay and once you take it out, all the dirt will be out. This makes the vjay to be clean and as tight as a bird’s no. 2 door.

When I got back to the office,  I immediately stole 2 pieces of the gauze from our work First Aid Kit and when I got home. I tried it. And I must say, I was impressed with the results. My vjay was tighter…I struggled to put my index finger there…. I give the gauze 10 out of 10.

2. The second on the list was ice. Just normal ice. You rub it on the mouth/lips/entrance of the vjay and put it down there and voila! you have a tight vjay…The Dique will enjoy the tightness kiii. I haven’t tried the ice so I can’t mark it.

3. Now this one shocked me….I have heard and tried them all  but this one…! This killed me! And its right there in our  cupboards! This is the Orange Duster ! You cut it into 4 small pieces and wash it to remove the orange starch, dry it then you roll like with the gauze and put down there. This one bathi your vjay will be tight, the entrance  as tiny as a sewing needle’s butt, ubab’bae will struggle to put it in and will ask if you have suddenly turned into a virgin. I haven’t  tried  this one also.

4. Last but not least…I bring you something that ugogo used to give us as remedy for sore throat/tonsils! The other ladies knew about this one and each gave a review. Nothing negative! Bathi you take it and rub it (same method as with the ice cube….I like the fact that these things are easy to use….no hassles!) and you will have a tight vjay and have your bae screaming  #Abashwebaby  #WhoIsYourMama’’  to the top of their hoarse voice! Poor neighbours…..

                     

So..there you are ladies (and gents!)….in Tswana they say ‘’dilo makwati ‘’  loosely translated ‘’you learn from getting advice/sharing/tips from others’.

N.B. @Mrs Jones please don’t try these at home UNLESS you are 100% clear with the instructions!

So let’s all be great and give those vjays these once in a while special treatments! If you can do the same to your face, hair and nails, why not the vjay?

By Aisha

#NOTOXENOPHOBIA…..#HUGAFOREIGNER…..#SPEAKFOREIGN…#TAKEASELFIEWITHAFOREIGNER

Ecclesiastes 3 

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

This scripture gives me life.

This is a scripture I use to motivate myself with everything that happens in my life. I felt the need to share what motivates me to lift up some of the sadness that has covered this house lately.

Remember this: WITH GOD, everything happens in good time. You might feel that you are ready for whatever you have been longing for, but to God it might not be the right time.

By: TT2

Guess who????

• Initials: L 

 

• Year of birth (incl VAT): 1983 June 20

 

• Describe yourself in 3 words: Moody, Hardworking and Impatient

 

• Your childhood’s fondest memories: When mom and dad divorced we had to leave the burbs and go stay with my grandmother emakhaya for a little while and surprisingly I loved living with my gran though I had to wake up at 4 to catch a bus to school. We had so much in common like singing, walking and praying. May she R.I.P.

 

• Heels or tackies: Heels

• Favorite body part: My forehead

 

• Bash or tea party: Neither, I enjoy time with my kids

 

• What do you find attractive in a man: Articulation  and Confidence 

 

• Given a chance to spend 24 hours with someone who has passed, who would it be and why? My Grandmother, I miss her wise words and I would love for her to walk me down the aisle.

 

• Worst fear? Having another child…….

 

• What great lesson would you teach your childrenone day? I’m teaching them how to open up and how to listen not just hear.

 

• Describe what love is to you: knowing that no matter what, you have someone to count on. It’sunconditional and makes you feel good on the inside. You can trust the one you love and are comfortable around them. It’s like your heart tells you that it is good for you. Love isn't blind or deaf or dumb - in fact it sees far more than it will ever tell. It is going beyond yourself and stretching who you are for someone else. Being in love entails seeing someone as you wish they were: to love them is to see who they really are and still care for them. Love isn't bitter, but you can't have love without pain: sacrifice is the hallmark of love, the coin of love. 

 

• Pet peeve: I absolutely loath people who don’t pay attention. I dislike people who ask you what you said when they heard you in the first place.

 • Biggest lesson in life: it’s ok to get to know him better before you succumb to his charms. In everything you do…..take your time.  

• Best Thing about being part of the TOLAH Family : feeling so close to people I don’t know and comfortable enough to let them in.

Extreme measures to find LOVE….…. (Part 1)

‘’Mabebeza How Low Can You Go…Baby How Low Can You Go’’…Extreme measures to find LOVE….…. (Part 1)

We love LOVE..we all want happy endings..the  ‘’they lived happily ever after’’ …the Dzara-kinda love. But what extreme measures will you try to find love? How low will you go to find love?

I am one of those people who searched everywhere and failed and the fact that I am a shy person doesn’t help! So I resorted to online dating and it has worked for me….it gives me peace of mind…I shop (for men ofcourse!) in the comfort of my home..I go through their profiles and short list potentials, then set up appointments to interview them (meeting in person)..if  we don’t click, that’s it! It ends there. If we click, we take if further. Easy right?

Now on to what brought this subject up. I like TV..I would rather pay my DSTV than go out or buy a bottle of wine. Recently I am hooked on LifeT Channel.

This channel is giving us awkward, shocking  Reality shows. I recently came across an interesting  reality show called ‘’Married at First Sight’’ yes, married.

Background about the show:

There is a casting process where a team of relationship experts get out to arrange marriages to potential applicants, based on scientific methods. Applicants are matched and married on the spot! The experts’ aim is to bring people together for the right reasons. The Team is made up of:

·         Spiritual advisor, a Sexologist, a Pyschologist and a Marriage Counsellor

After shortlisting the applicants, comes the interviews through a field visit. Experts visit your house to check/confirm your income level, see the way you express love, the way you live, your sexuality, your views on sex, hobbies etc.  Then they work their magic to match applicants. Next comes the wedding. I think the Show incurs the costs of the weddings as applicants are booked into hotels together with their bridesmaids/groomsmen. Family, friends and rejected applicants and crew will be there at the venue to witness the union.

Sounds crazy right? Wait…..These people have never met….and they don’t even know each others’ names!

All you ask yourself is:

·         Is he/she good looking? Does he/she have a good heart?Do they have a headboard? Are they messy/neat?

·         How is the D game? Is the Vjay medlemon  or Apple cider vinegar flavoured?

·         How do they kiss? Do they even have a full set of amazinyo? Are they the ear licking  or the smooching type?

The groom is first, walks in, greet his in laws and sees them for the first time and waits there in anticipation for his bride. As the bride stand next to the groom, there are introductions!

This couple caught my eye…the poor girl panicked, cried. First thing she said was ‘’Oh God..what if I am not attracted to him’. As soon as she entered through that door, you could see the disappointment on her pretty face. The Pastor continues the ceremony, the vows etc the groom says ‘’Yes I do’’ and all the bride said was:

I don’t blame the poor bride. I usually look at a man’s shoe before speaking to him. If I don’t like your shoe, I won’t even entertain you, period. This is what welcomed the poor bride:

And his facial expression when someone in the audience commented about the ugly white shoes…..

So there you are dotis…sitting there, marriage is not even on your radar but suddenly everything changes. Are you that brave?…Will you consider this route to find love and marriage? We promise,we wont judge….

Married at First Sight is on every Wednesday night, on LifeT, Channel 131 at 20:45 – 22:00hrs. I am hooked and anxiously waiting for the next episode to see how it went with other couples. I am also waiting for the  Honeymoon part of the show  and I hope there will be a follow up show to see if the couples who got married stayed married.

By Aisha

Weekend round up

It feels so good to be back and typing this. I had such an eventful weekend, a lot of sadness really. It all started with the news of the passing on of Mamazala. May her soul rest in peace. She had become a God-given mother to me and I already miss the mother daughter relationship we had. I spent most of the weekend going up and down doing preps etc for her send off.

 

Like all weekends, I ended the weekend off the Mzansi traditional way. I watched hotplate and I must say, guys, I don't really grasp the concept of that show. Is it a competition or...? Kiiii I laughed when one of the contestants was called out for driving around in his wife's car all the time. And then there was a new show called Diski Divas, looks like feathers are gonna be ruffled on that show. It's a reality show that has gathered WAGS of South African soccer stars and is gonna follow their daily activities. Nonhle neh, aowa that girl needs some ice water nje. Can someone update me on KAT? Also, couldn't they decide if they wanted wives, sides, exes or just girlfriends? It's unfair to rate these women using the same measurements. The insecurity in that woman can be smelt off the TV screen. LB Mzansi was another "all over the show mess". A couple has broken up but still stay together. She visits him every now and then but won't commit to taking his cheating ass back. Urgh I get tired trying to catch up. OPW was beautiful. The groom is 26 and she's 31. He's black, she's coloured and has a blonde child. The groom and best men kept kissing each other. When Big Brother came on, I decided to go straighten my weave. I get bored easily shem!

 

What was your weekend all about? Do share.

 

By Queen Troll