This year things are a bit different between us. It is not me, it is you!
I will not be leaving any milk and cookies out for you this year. You don’t need them, I mean have you looked at the size of your belly lately? Instead I will leave hidden salad ingredients all over the house and yard. Good luck finding them and whatever you do find you will have to eat. You have no problem with veggies, do you Santa?
You may not come down the chimney on our roof. Really, are you honestly not familiar with doors even today? Why the hell do you prefer potentially harming people’s property just so that you can leave cheap presents that nobody ever wants? I will leave the door open for you and you WILL need to use the door just like the rest of us. Roof repair costs are expensive and I need not remind you how there is a recession refusing to end out there.
Those animals must stay in the yard. There are kids around and I will be too drunk throughout the festive season to care enough to explain to them why there are flying, talking deer in the house.
Maybe it is time to hook yourself up with a better mode of transport? Look Santa I understand that the reindeer have worked for you thus far, but do you know that animals have rights too these days? And I also know you have access to all these fancy gadgets so there’s no excuse. And to make the poor things transport your big-bellied ass all over the world is just wrong. I also think getting a plane; for example; would even be quicker than riding on those animals.
And Santa, i am aware that every time you come around you call me names. Yes, you keep saying "Hoe Hoe Hoe!" It is not ok. From now on, next time you chant that, I will not rub your tummy! Also, I think it is quite strange that you ask the kids to sit on your lap, please bring plastic chairs next time you visit.
Lastly, Santa! RSA is very hot in Summer (Christmas), so can you try to maybe dress accordingly. Shaving might not be too bad either, who knows you might just get yourself a young lady to help assist you with all those deliveries instead of all those beasts you surround yourself with.
*a recycle of an old poem I did a while back
by Queen Troll
